Up until this recent change, it seemed like everything was a contest or rivalry between the two - if you bought something for one , you had to buy for the other, if one wanted to sit on your lap, then the other just had to sit on your lap too, they fought over who should be washed first in the bath, who gets to use the bathroom first before bed (heaven forbid one of them go downstairs to use that bathroom), etc. etc..... I can keep going but the list would be as long as an entire post. I think you get where I'm going. In any case, I'm thrilled that now these rivalries are interspersed with some good solid play and fun between the two.
My brother and I definitely had our ups and downs growing up. My husband on the other hand, has always been extremely close with his brother and sister. He feels this is because while growing up, his parents insisted that they get along and be kind to one another, as well as reinforced their affection for one another. Well, it's not like my parents encouraged my brother and I to fight! I think some siblings just fight more than others. It's very possible that some siblings are just different people with different personalities and so end up not as close as others.
As I watch my kids interact, it makes me wonder how much of what I do now will ultimately determine the relationship they will have when they are older. Obviously, I hope that they will be best friends, support one another and have a close and lasting bond. I also know it's completely natural for there to be rivalries and fights so I don't sweat those too much. As it stands, I am always encouraging them to play nicely together and always reminding them to be kind to each other. I tell them they will always have each other as a friend to play with and that they need to stick together and stick up for one another. Here are some other things I have tried:
- let them have unstructured play time together so they can make up their own games (this seems to be working well right now)
- give them certain activities to do together i.e. an art project
- play together all of us i.e. board games or puzzles
- have them do favors for one another ie.. I had my son make my daughter something for her birthday
- have my son try and teach my daughter something he knows how to do
I always joke that their relationship is so important because as they grow older, who else will they turn to when mom or dad does something embarrassing? Who else will get things in our family dynamic quite like the other? Who else will be there when one day they only have each other? If there is anything else I can possibly do to foster this closeness between them, I am there!
I found a great article on the City of Ottawa website. I think it has some really good tips on how to promote positive sibling relationships and on what to do when arguments occur. They actually give you statements to use when dealing with certain emotions. For example, if the emotion is "Accept all feelings but not all behaviour children display", the statement you would use is “It’s okay to feel jealous, but it is not okay to hurt.” See the full chart below...
Another interesting read is one on Family TLC about the ups and downs of sibling relationships. This article provides some great tips for handling the older sibling. There is no doubt that how siblings interact with one another will ultimately impact their development - a study from Concordia University clearly demonstrates this point. How we as parents handle these interactions, will also surely influence their behaviour. So much responsibility!
As a parent I think it's completely normal and acceptable to have different relationships with each child, however, I am uber careful to treat them as equally as possible. I would never want one of my children to feel as if the other is favored or that one is more special than the other (although they may feel that way anyway - it's natural). I think they need to know they each have a voice and that they will be heard, whether or not I agree with their actions. I will try to be a positive role model and foster their unique qualities while still trying to create our family dynamic. In other words, like most things part of being a mom, I will forage ahead one day at a time, follow my gut and hope that I am doing the best that I can...
| Emotion | Statement |
|---|---|
| Show children how to co-operate with each other by setting the rules together. | “Lets take turns” or “Please ask first before you borrow my book.” |
| Let children try to work it out on their own, if appropriate. Young toddlers may need your guidance. | Show a young child how to trade for another toy. “Can we trade?” or “Let’s take turns.” |
| Step in only when there is a danger of someone becoming physically or emotionally hurt. | “Name calling is not allowed” or “We do not hit. EVER!” “Fighting is not how we solve problems.” |
| Teach children how to avoid conflicts, such as leaving the room and having a quiet time. | “You look like you need to be alone,” “Count to ten” or “Do you need to talk about how you feel?” |
| Separate children if necessary. They will learn to think before they act. | “You can try to play together later but right now you need to be apart.” |
| Remind children of the rules your family has set. | “Respect another person’s feelings” or “Do not hit.” |
| Use consequences to deal with unacceptable behaviour. Give children choices. | “Share the crayons or I will put them away” or “You have a choice, play without fighting or play on your own.” |
| Use humour to diffuse the situation. | “Yelling hurts my ears.” |
| Try to stay calm. | “I see fighting” or “Let’s talk this out.” |
When arguments or fights happen
| Emotion | Statement |
|---|---|
| Show children how to co-operate with each other by setting the rules together. | “Lets take turns” or “Please ask first before you borrow my book.” |
| Let children try to work it out on their own, if appropriate. Young toddlers may need your guidance. | Show a young child how to trade for another toy. “Can we trade?” or “Let’s take turns.” |
| Step in only when there is a danger of someone becoming physically or emotionally hurt. | “Name calling is not allowed” or “We do not hit. EVER!” “Fighting is not how we solve problems.” |
| Teach children how to avoid conflicts, such as leaving the room and having a quiet time. | “You look like you need to be alone,” “Count to ten” or “Do you need to talk about how you feel?” |
| Separate children if necessary. They will learn to think before they act. | “You can try to play together later but right now you need to be apart.” |
| Remind children of the rules your family has set. | “Respect another person’s feelings” or “Do not hit.” |
| Use consequences to deal with unacceptable behaviour. Give children choices. | “Share the crayons or I will put them away” or “You have a choice, play without fighting or play on your own.” |
| Use humour to diffuse the situation. | “Yelling hurts my ears.” |
| Try to stay calm. | “I see fighting” or “Let’s talk this out.” |
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