Oh, The Guilt Of The Working Mom - Nobody Told Me...

I've always been an over-achiever.  Straight A student, scholarships, sports... I would say pretty much anything I've put my mind to, I've succeeded at... at least to varying degrees.  So although before becoming a mom I had heard all about the struggle for balancing career and parenthood and the "having it all" lifestyle, nobody told me about the tremendous amount of guilt that also comes part and parcel.

There are days I just feel like a failure because at the end of the day, I just can't "do it all" without making some sacrifices.  My daughter has been home sick for the last 2 days and I want nothing more than to be there to nurture her back to health.  She woke up this morning just as I was heading out the door at 6:30am and she was clinging to me and I felt like total utter crap as I had to pull away and leave.  When I got home yesterday, she was sitting listlessly on the bed with a fever and all she wanted was to sit curled in my arms.  I want to be there for her terribly and I truly hate this feeling.  Even when I know she's in good hands at home, oh, the guilt when I can't take care of her myself.

Then there are the school plays, concerts, graduation ceremonies, etc. (I'm including the day care ones here) that get held during working hours and you know how badly your child will feel if he or she is one of the few without a parent in the audience.  But how do you tell work you're going to miss a 1/2 day because your 3 year old is performing in her day care concert?  Last spring my husband was able to make it but because I wasn't there, my daughter sat through the entire concert without uttering a word and with the saddest face you've ever seen (they took pictures - just to add insult to injury).  She was looking through the crowd for me as she entered the room... but I wasn't there.

How is it even remotely possible to give 100% to being a mom and 100% to your career?  It's not ... so in come the sacrifices.  The weighing of each situation to see which takes priority.  Who will be most upset or who loses out the most this time around?  But each time you take a risk - a risk that your child is ultimately going to pay long term because you were unavailable too many times, or a risk that your work will be pissed off because you've missed to many hours due to child-related responsibilities.  I know I'm not alone in this - just check out this article from the Cincinnati Enquirer about parents juggling the choice of staying home with a sick child or sending them to school sick in order not to miss work... Obviously having an understanding employer goes a long way in making this struggle easier, but even still, I totally understand that at the end of the day, all employers have a business to run.  And then there's whether you love or hate your job - when you love what you do, it makes those decisions that much more agonizing! 

Last week there was a segment on Fox News talking about how women actually have more guilt over working than men.  It's true, I don't think my husband feels the same way.  I think that as a mom, we are the ones who are expected to be there for our children.  Probably because we have been the primary caregiver for so long throughout history.  Should we be taking a lesson from our husbands???

I know there is so much out there on the "to work" or "not to work" debate and the effect the decision can have on our children.  I think most of the research, however, shows that children of working moms turn out just fine... (i.e. article in Family Education).  This does help in removing some of the guilt I carry around.  I do think a lot depends on the type of woman you are - if you know you would not be a good mom if you were home full time, then that helps you feel less guilty working.  If you think you can do with less (if working is about money) and be happier at home, then that works for that situation.  Your children benefit when as a mom, you're also doing what makes you happy.  I do feel it is essential that we don't lose our sense of self when we become a parent.  By maintaining our identity as women, we can be stronger role models to our kids.

Personally, I love to work and to be challenged - I don't think I could stay home full time and be fulfilled.  However, I wish, oh I wish, that I could work just a little bit less so I can have a few extra hours with my children every day.  Even just enough to alleviate that feeling of being rushed so much of the time.  I think if I had my dream situation, it would be to work 9 to 3, 4 days a week.  But I think I would even take either 4 days at my current hours, or 5 days at 9 to 3 and be ecstatic.  Who knows, maybe one day that will happen.  The question remains however, will that be enough to alleviate all of my guilt?  I'm not sure, but I think it would go a long way in that direction! So in the meantime, here's a video I found providing some tips on dealing with working mom guilt!

The Art of Choosing Children's Activities

I'm coming to the conclusion that parenting involves a lot of guilt, especially when you're a working mom. OK, maybe I came to the conclusion a while ago, but it doesn't seem to go away.  And when it comes to enrolling your kids in activities, it's no exception.

I know several moms who have more flexible schedules than me and who have their kids in lots of after school and weekend activities.  I've done some activities, more so with my son who is older, but I never feel like I'm doing enough.  He's not in hockey or skiing or anything at all this winter.  I did sign him up for 4 different enrichment classes in the after-school program which he loves:  this semester it's cooking, crystal growing, jr. sports and tennis.  This makes me feel a little better - he's doing something!  It's just next to impossible to get home from work and then get him to an activity, particularly when I have a 3 year old to pick up from daycare too.  My husband travels for work and doesn't usually get home until 6:30pm when he is in town.  So it's kind of all on me.

Last spring we did street hockey once during the week, t-ball in the summer on Saturdays, and then soccer in the fall during the week.  It was a mad rush to leave work and get him to the activity on time during the work week, and then having something on Saturday meant being stuck in the city every weekend and/or finding something for our other little one to do.  In the fall we did ballet for my daughter and every Saturday morning I had to plead with her to actually go.  She decided she hated it after 3 classes.  Does the weekend really come to be all about the children's activities?  And even more so, does it become about fighting with them to go to these activities every weekend?  Never mind the waste of money when they don't want to go or hate it.  We've asked them if they want to go skiing, but they always say no.  I'm thinking we should go anyway, but it always seems like a huge obstacle to get them kicking and screaming out the door - the last thing you feel like doing after a long week at work.

When I was little, my mom stayed at home and had me in everything from skating, ballet, jazz, gymnastics, baton, horse back riding, swimming, skiing amongst just a few LOL.  As I got older, I excelled at figure skating and horse back riding, but by age 7, I was fully entrenched in the world of competitive figure skating (being bussed around the province to compete).  My mom really dedicated herself to taking me to practices and competitions - it was almost a full time job.  What happens if my kids excel and want to purse something?  Yikes!  But yikes too if they don't!  Then I feel bad that I didn't expose them to enough.

This coming summer, my son will be going to day camp for the first time.  The one we chose is very much like an overnight camp  - they have all kinds of activities, including sports, art, music and nature.  I feel like this takes the pressure off having to actually enroll him in any outside activities during the summer time (phew).  My daughter's daycare thankfully has an outdoor pool and she goes both with her class and takes private lessons.  She is also taking yoga as part of the program (she was doing the ballet option, but as I mentioned, not so successful).  I feel like I'm off the hook for now.

So where does that leave me?  I will rely a lot on what the school enrichment programs and camps can offer.  I will still try to encourage them to try new activities, maybe just not as many as when I was a kid.  I will also wait and see if there is anything in particular that they like and then make a commitment to try and pursue what it is they show a little passion for.  I figure that way I can at least eliminate the fight to get them there.  Also, focusing on only one major activity per child at a time should make it more manageable.  I guess I will wait for the spring brochures to come out, and then see if there is anything they would like to do. 
Check out activities for Cote St-Luc.  Other places to find activities by area are The Kid Scoop and Montreal Families - a good place to start.

Charley's 1st (and probably last) ballet recital.  Well, she looked cute!

One activity Myles loves - rock climbing!